yeah about that...

I'm two weeks into my seven week training at a call center of all places. I'm not much one for talking on the phone in fact it is a source of great anxiety. Of all my issues that is the second biggest one. The biggest issue I have is a fear of being happy. How stupid does that sound? It sounds very stupid to me, but I'm afraid that if I am completely happy things will fall to shit. Back to the job. I think that this is the first step to becoming a better me; to face one fear head on. I've started watching Obsessed on netflix and it's making me more aware of my issues, well not more aware but more conscious of them. I want to get better before they manifest into something worse. I think that if I can get over the anxiety of talking on the phone I'll be able to conquer the other things. I owe it to Dre and I owe to myself. I think it's funny that it's harder to sit in a chair for eight hours a day than it is to run around like crazy for ten plus hours a day. I feels more physically demanding on my body than doing physical work. I can't wait for training to be finished because waking up at five a.m. is a pain in the ass. Hopefully I'll be able to make some progress in the garage tomorrow. I want it organized so it can be a functional space and not just a storage space. Yes there will be stuff stored there, but it'll be put up in a way that makes sense and not just there. I'll probably have a mohawk soon. The call center I'm working at is very lax with the dress code so I can have my hair however I want it and have my piercings. Soon I'll get a New Mexico driver's license. I'm trying to make this place feel like home and a big part of that is getting a state I.D. and registering he vehicles in the state. It may sound silly, but it's important to me.

The other side.

Here I am on the other side of being sick. The last few days have been absolute hell. Aching body, massive headache, vomitting, and a few other things. I've lost 8 pounds in a couple of days because of fluid loss and not eating. Now however I'm left with a throat that is sore and a somewhat irksome headache. Still no job though I did just get an email from a company that saw my resume so we'll see how that goes. I don't know if I have what it takes to work as a telemarketer.

Will Work for Food

I'm applying to job after job after job. I need to work. I've applied to at least fifty jobs thus far. It's probably more, but I quit counting because it was rather depressing. I cut back on caffeine and according to my sleep tracker I'm getting more deep sleep yet I still feel tired. Oh joy...  I'm stressing out because there are bills to be paid and Dre she can't pay them all herself. She shouldn't have to. I'm worried about our truck getting repossessed and the havoc it'll wreak on her credit. It's my fault we have the damn thing. It should pummel my credit, not hers. I've made a lot of stupid decisions based on selfish wants. I should have just let it go. It does seem like my wants cause nothing but trouble. It's hard admitting that. I am damned and determined to make things better. I want to learn to make better decisions and I'm on track, but looking back(that rhymed) on the past I can see all the times I should've said NO to myself. On the other hand had I said no I wouldn't be here. If I'm not here where would I be? Overall I want to be here. Las Cruces is feeling more like home. I don't know what else to do other than continue going forward like that fat kid reaching for the twinkie that I am. I want to be able to work and get a gym membership and actually goal. I will get healthier this year. I want to be able to run and be fit. I don't care about having a six pack. I want to be healthy and under two hundred pounds. As it stands that would be losing just over thirty pounds. I know it's possible. Before the whole moving process started I was down to two hundred fifteen pounds. I need to drink more water. I know I said I was cutting back on caffeine, but I'm still drinking soda albeit caffeine free soda, but I need to get to the point where it's mostly water. A gallon of water a day is where I should be. I want to look in a mirror and be okay with myself. I want to grow my hair out so I can donate it to a cancer charity. I'm going to grow my beard back. Dre has gym stuff in the garage, but I have to get over myself before I can use it. It makes no sense to me that I'm willing to make my struggle with weight public, but doing it in my house bothers me. Tell me what the hell is wrong with me? Do I just want to go to a gym so others see me trying instead of no one seeing me at home? Is there a part of me that really is a bit of  a narcissist( I spelled that right without second guessing myself) or am I simply an attention whore? Regardless I need to get healthy. Part of me even thought about going vegan/vegetarian but I think I like meat too much. I will concede that I need more green  things. I thought about doing yoga also and even go so far as to research and see people who have weighed more than me and now weigh less. Legit. The over all thing that continues to stop me is yours truly. The humble narrator of this blog. Yep the only thing stopping me is me. How do I tell me to shut the fuck up and get better? Would a back alley lobotomy help? Do they even have back alley lobotomies? I'm sure I could find someone to jab a metal spike into my cranium.

I think that's enough ranting and raving like an imbecile for the night. 

Lost

So the move was a success. Now the realization has set in. I have no job. No job means the routine I once had is no longer. I think that's the part that's driving me crazy. Basically having a set schedule for the last several years and now not so much. It may sound trivial, but dammit it's driving me crazy. I've been applying to jobs and ignoring my mind. It has caught up to me. My sleep has been shit for a while, but now it's worse.  Stress is higher than it has been. Stress from not having a job. Stress from not having money. Stress from Stressing Andrea out. Stress from this sense of being lost. Should I go back to school via online courses? Should I get two jobs if I get one? I just don't know and it irks me to not know. I'm trying hard not to retreat into myself, but that isn't working out very well. I feel like I'm about to breakdown. I want to disappear. Of course I can't disappear because there's to much to do. Maybe I need to find god or some other deity to believe in. FUCK!!!!! I don't know what to do and I don't like it.